Thoughts in Summer
by Fuyumi
Summary: Some thoughts that occur to the Trio during the summer after GoF.
1. Trust

**Thoughts in Summer**   
**Disclaimer**: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book. 

**Part I : Trust**

I miss you. 

It's been only two weeks since I last saw you and I miss you so. I miss seeing you everyday. I miss knowing that you're okay. 

Except that you're not okay, are you? You haven't been so after that awful Third Task. My God! Even now I want to curse the Ministry. What were they thinking when they organized that tournament? They knew the history—they knew students had died before in that. And another innocent died. Cedric didn't deserve to die and you didn't deserve to be broken. It hurts. I feel so let down. I've always trusted those older than us so much. I thought that they would do their best to keep all of us safe. They failed and spectacularly at that. 

My faith disappeared when you did. I could not believe it. You were gone. You weren't here. This wasn't something that had been expected—you could see it in the reactions of everyone around, including the professors. That made it even worse. I don't know how I survived through those hours. Ron and I were out of our minds, we were so worried about you. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, you came back. 

And it did. 

You were broken. 

You weren't Harry anymore. You were a poor, shivering shell of what my Harry was. You looked like you had been through hell and you had never expected to find your way out. 

I hope you're no longer there. I pray every night and day that you're no longer residing in the horror that you must have seen. I'm wishing with everything that I am that you'll have the summer you need to mend yourself back together. I just can't hold out that much hope it will actually happen.   
  
There are times these last few days that I've hated your family so much that it astonished me. I never thought I could despise someone so much. But I do. How could they be so cruel to anyone? Even if they didn't love you like family should, that was no reason to belittle you, make fun of you and tell you you're worthless day in and day out. No one deserves treatment like that, least of all you. Especially now, when what you need is someone to hold you and tell you that it's not your fault, it was never your fault and one day things will get better if you just take it one breath at a time. 

You won't get that this summer. That thought worries me so. I think I'm almost obsessed with thinking about you. All I ever do at times is worry. I worry that you can't sleep at night. I worry that you're having those nightmares. I worry when you wake up it gets worse when you have to face the Dursleys' contempt. If I could, I would spend the whole summer with you. I don't care what the conditions would be so long as I could be with you, making sure that you know that we care. It won't happen. No one would let me do it. It's too dangerous, they would say, it's better that you all stay away. Then whoever would be saying those patronizing words to me will tell me that you're perfectly safe and that nothing can hurt you during the summer. 

Of course, whoever that would be would be one of the same fools who allowed that blasted tournament to take place. And whoever that would be would not be exactly considering your mental health, now would they? It tears me to pieces that no one else seems to care about what you feel. In spite of myself and everything I always was, I can't help but question what Professor Dumbledore was thinking when he handed you over to those uncaring fools. Surely there had to be another way. There is always another path to take if you just look hard enough. I just can't believe that the only thing that could have been done was to leave you in the company of people who would shut you in a closet, hoping that you'll disappear. 

I've spent too much time thinking about this. Can you tell? Like I said before, I think I'm getting a little obsessed. When I saw you in the infirmary, crying like you couldn't stop the tears, something in me came undone. I've always worried about you and Ron. You both have a knack of getting into so much trouble. I worry all the time that this time you've managed to get yourselves expelled out of Hogwarts. I worry that this time you'll get yourselves seriously hurt during your exploits. But this is different. This time I'm worried that you'll lose yourself and you'll never come back to us. 

Sometimes I think you still haven't come back to us. You blame yourself too much. It wasn't your fault, I wish I could say that to your face. It was never your fault, certainly not your fault for being born and not your fault for living. It's the fault of those who hate without thinking and I include your family (and I use that word loosely) along with the Death Eaters. Are they any better? Really they hate wizards without giving any of them a chance and Death Eaters hate Muggles with no reason. Death Eaters kill people and your family has never done that but to my mind, they've done worse. They've tried to kill your spirit. 

And you're spending another summer with them. So I worry. I write to you every day, desperately needing to know that you haven't given up on life just yet. I need you to know that we care. I need you to know that we love you, we don't blame you and we just want things to work out for you. I can't find the words to say everything that needs to be conveyed. I tried to say it in that kiss but I don't know if it worked. So I keep on worrying and I keep on hoping and it's killing me that I can't see you. 

I miss you. I need to see you. I need to let you know that you can put your trust in me because I'll never let you down, not in any single way. 

So please—come back to us somehow. I want to see Harry again when we all meet at Kings Cross station.   
  


**Author's note**—Part II should be up shortly. As always, please leave any comments, remarks and constructive criticism you might have in a review. Thank you!   



	2. Absolution

**Thoughts in Summer**   
**Disclaimer: **I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book. 

**Part II : Absolution**

Forgive me for I have sinned, in what I have done and what I have failed to do. 

I didn't save Cedric. I let him die before my eyes. I should have never placed in that sort of danger. What the hell was I thinking, when I kept insisting that we take the cup together? That insistence of mine cost him his life. 

I'll never live it down. I'll never find forgiveness for that deed. I don't deserve it. I should have known better. I sinned when I insisted that we take it together and I sinned when I failed to save him. 

I let everyone down, including myself. But at the very least, I think I've come out a little wiser. I'll never make the same mistake again. If I'm going to do something, I'll do it myself. 

Ron and Hermione won't like that. I can see them protesting that sentiment even thought they're not with me. I don't care if they don't understand however. It would be nice but it's not necessary. All that matters is that I don't let anyone else die. 

I don't know how to get them to accept that. I don't want to end four years of friendship—I don't want them to think I don't appreciate what they've done for me all that time. I don't want to lose them as friends. They're the closest thing to a family I've got. Also I doubt that if I just tried to walk away that they would let me. 

They've both been writing to me every day. It's funny how best friends can be so different. Ron's always telling me what's going on at the Burrow, the latest pranks that the twins have made up and the new Muggle items his dad is currently raving over. It's so obvious what he's doing, trying to cheer me up by sending stories to make me laugh. It's kind of hard to laugh at his stories when they keep reminding me of things I don't have. It's even hard to laugh when I keep thinking that I've ruined a happy family like Ron's. I don't think that Cedric's parents are finding much to smile about these days. 

Hermione's letters are worse. I can see her in my mind whenever I read one of her letters. I can see her biting her lip, trying not to ask if I'm okay. She knows the answer to that—I'm not but it's hard for her not to ask. She worries too much, especially over someone like me. I don't deserve such concern. It worries me to see her worry like that—I've no doubt that she would save me at the cost of her own life. 

Three lives in exchange for mine is quite enough already, thank you. 

I'm not as sure as Ron. In our third year, he did seem willing to risk life and limb for me. He stood up on a broken leg, for goodness' sake, and told Sirius that he couldn't kill me without going through him and Hermione first. But then we had that fight last year. It was awful to be doubted so but that doubt might save Ron. I certainly hope so. Maybe he realized during that fight that it wasn't worth his life to save mine. I'm not completely positive that he has. The rest of the year, it was like that fight had never happened. But there's something else that changed the equation. 

Ron likes Hermione. 

I wouldn't have expected that. They fight so much. I guess there's some basis to what people say when they call me a daft git. Ron liking Hermione is a good thing. Even if he's willing to risk his life for mine, he wouldn't do the same for Hermione. She wouldn't like us making that choice for her—she'd go on and on how it's her choice to make and how we're being male chauvinist pigs and the like, but she can't compete with the two of us. If it comes down to it, I can count on Ron to hit her over the head and take her away to some place safe. 

Hermione would definitely not like that idea. She's not the type to play the damsel in distress. Even in our second year, she went down fighting. She was the only one to figure out what was petrifying everyone and then she was smart enough to use a mirror to see what was hiding around the corner. 

It didn't do much good though. It saved her life, that's true, but she still wound up in the hospital wing. I may need her brilliance to help me put two and two together but I don't need her with me in the end. 

Because god knows that I've already have too much blood on my hands and I can't find any absolution. Forgiveness is not for the likes of me who have sinned over and over again. I've caused three deaths, two of which were my parents. How could I ever be absolved of that? The only thing I can do is end this battle without any more lives being taken. 

And if I can do that, perhaps I can live with myself once again.   
  


**Author's note**—This chapter was much harder to write than the first. I would appreciate it if you could please let me know what you think by leaving a review. And thanks to **_Leeva_**, **_ChrisMiss_**, **_Sherylyn_**, **_Eric_**, **_Nappa_**, **_Tarawen_**, **_Brian_** and **_katie-lyn_** for leaving reviews. I do appreciate it so much that you took the time to do so.   



	3. Dream

**Thoughts in Summer**   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book. 

**Part III : Dream**

I wish I could have my best friends back again. I hear from them from time to time but it's not the same. It's to be expected, I guess. Everything seems darker now—as if we're waiting for a storm that's about to visit us all. And my best friends and I are caught up in the middle of everything. 

Well, it's Harry who is really stuck in the middle. You-Know-Who is after him most of all. It's not his choice but then who would make such a choice? So it's definitely not his choice that he's in that position and it's definitely not his fault that all of this is happening. I don't know if he believes that though. I hate to say it of my best friend, but he can be a bit daft at times. If he wasn't here, things would probably be worse. If he wasn't here, You-Know-Who would still be rising and threatening people. So how can he blame himself? He does because he's Harry. He can do anything if he puts his mind to it, no matter how stupid it can be. 

He hasn't been the same since the third task. I don't know what's exactly happened to him—and I don't think I want to know the details. Whatever it was, it must have been horrid. There are times when he seems almost like his old self in his letters but he has changed, he's become sadder and more withdrawn. 

Hermione's also sort of—not there. You should see some of her letters. She's constantly worrying about Harry. She's obsessed, I tell you. I can just see her pacing herself into a frenzy every night about whether Harry's getting enough sleep at night. She's always been like that. She's always fussed over both of us, although Harry gets the brunt of her attention. I sort of understand that. I mean, I'm not the one in the most danger but really Harry can take care of himself. Or rather, he's the best equipped out of all of us to take care of himself in these days. 

I guess you can say I'm a bit jealous of all the attention he gets from her and he doesn't even know it. When Harry and I had that fight last year, Hermione would talk to me, no problem about that but she spent almost all of her time with Harry. Long study sessions on the library (which probably wasn't any fun for him), long walks around the lake (who knows what they were doing then) and even that trip to Hogsmeade. She looked like a complete idiot there, sitting all by herself but I wasn't fooled. I may not get the grades Hermione does but you can't pull an obvious trick like that over me. She was sitting there with him. I tell myself that she spent so much time with him just to be fair. After all, I had other people that I was with. 

What really gets me though is that he doesn't even appreciate how much of her attention he gets. I mean, if Harry had tried, I'm sure he could have found someone else to be good friends with during our fight. It's not as if he's disliked in Gryffindor or anything like that. But he didn't even try—he had Hermione, so why should he. And he just accepted that as though he expected her to always be there. As his friend, I'm glad that he has someone he can trust that much considering that he's not exactly had the happiest of lives. As her friend, however, I hit him over the head for being so obtuse. And as myself—I want to hit her for not paying that much attention to me who'd appreciate her. It's childish, I know, but I can't help it. 

So I'm not exactly surprised that she's been so obsessed about his safety. I wish she would stop it though. If she's this concerned about a friend, I'd hate to see what her children will have to put with. Of course, if she starts teaching at Hogwarts, and she's the most likely of anyone I know to do that, I would love to see her confront Snape if he starts being cruel to any of her kids. But in the end., right now, there's nothing that either one of us can do. Worrying is not going to help matters. What's the best thing for us to do is try to ignore all of that and live. We're all only teenagers and we shouldn't be this depressed all the time. When there comes a time when we can do something about it, we will. We've done it before since our very first year. No one can beat us if we're together. I just hope they know that's the truth. 

I wish I could have my best friends here again. If they were here, I think I could make them understand. If Harry was here, one of us Weasleys would be able to make us laugh. If Hermione could see that, she'd stop driving herself insane with useless fretting. If they were here, they would be my best friends, the ones I've had since my very first year. 

But most of all, if they were here, I could stop worrying about them.   
  
  
  


**Author's note**—Ron's pov was the hardest to write for me. *sigh* Oh well. I would it if you could leave a review to let me know what you think.. 

And thanks to everyone whose left a review for the last chapter. As a general note, for those who think that the series will have less angst—I do hope you're right. Just because I write angst sometimes, does not mean that's what I want to see in the books. But thanks to **Animagus-Steph**, **SCMoRtOn87**, **Lady of Arundel**, **Eric**, **Nappa** (the fluff's on SCUSA and don't you think three Crookshanks POVs are enough?), **Heaven**, **Tarawen**, **Brian** (you can post all the chapters of this fic on Scribbles if you like—sorry I didn't answer last time, I blame finals), **ChrisMiss**, and **Max** for their reviews. Doumo arigatou!   



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